I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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