I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize