i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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