do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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