My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
