Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
