Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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