I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
