When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
