so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
