I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Are my feet made of real feet?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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