So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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