I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Randomize
