she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
