we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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