My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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