It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize