Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
