have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
