I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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