I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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