You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
