So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
