Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
