I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
