Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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