you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
