Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we made out on top of his cat.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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