the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
