I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
