How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
