Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
