Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
