The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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