I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
