My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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