i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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