Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
