i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
