the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
