1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
