I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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