whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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