Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
