she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
