I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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