is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
