I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
