I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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