just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
