look no pants
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I could fuck to npr.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
