I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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