I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
