So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
