How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
