And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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