if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
