You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
